when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
