seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
