What a fucking waste of an outfit
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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