Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
