Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
