Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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