I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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