i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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