The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
