Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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