I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
