dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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