some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
