I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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