Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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