rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
