Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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