I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
