I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
