Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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