she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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