I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
