Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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