Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
