Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
