I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We have started to decorate penises.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
