Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
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Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
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I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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