I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
