I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
