hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
