awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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