Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
