I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
