literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
