Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Randomize
