My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
