life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.