I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
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I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
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I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.