youre lurking in front of me
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.