I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch