i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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