just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
