Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
