I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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