There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
