The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Randomize
