I think i peed on brittanys purse
I looked at my own cervix.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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