Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
