a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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