1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
