I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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