I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
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I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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