I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
