So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
