I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
